As follow up to the Extract trailer I posted months ago: Extract came out today.
Just kidding. That's not the follow up (though it did come out today so Fandango your asses to a theater). No, the real story popped up earlier this week in the form of a promo clip for Extract featuring director Mike Judge's two most famous creations, Beavis and Butthead. The 3 minute spot is just a clip from the movie bookended by B&B pimping the film while sporting Hefneresque wardrobes and making "Bateman" jokes. Still, it warms the cockles of my vagina. Click here and weep for your misspent youth.
Additionally, the Judge himself has been talking up the new film and, to varying degrees, revealing tidbits about other projects; past and future. First, and maybe foremost, Cinemablend has an exclusive interview wherein Judge talks about a sequel to Beavis and Butthead Do America. Short story: Not on the front burner. And, oddly, Judge calls himself out for something I noticed in the promo clip. His voice is changing. Butthead was sounding his usual self, but Beavis sounds like he might have pubes now. That might fit into the idea he has for a sequel though, as far as I can tell, so I don't get the trepidation.
Second, and perhaps more formostly, Frosty at Collider has an exclusive one-on-one with Judge that finally sheds some light on what the fuck happened with the release of Idiocracy. He calls the interview a Must Watch, and I agree. Click here to see a two-part window into the mind of a laid back Texan that makes laid back funny.
Do you still go "Uhhhhhn...heheh-hehehe--Hey, baby...", in your head when you see a hot chick? Lock yourself in the bathroom and claim you're taking a dump on The Boards!
I'm posting this trailer because I'm sure there are a couple of Boondock Saints fans among you. I'm just not among you. Troy Duffy's feature debut is one that was not wholly un-entertaining but certainly undeserving of its voracious cult following. A post-Tarantino is too cool-fest, that possess a tiny percentage of the bullet-riddled awesome Duffy thinks it has, Saints is most memorable to me for watching some good actors have fun. Willem Defoe and Billy Connolly, in particular. Like I said, it's not horrible. But now that voracious cult following is getting a sequel, and from the looks of the trailer, Duffy figured out a way to horrible. Click here for IGN's exclusive shitty trailer for Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Wonder What Asshole Named This Movie).
And after what I hope are 2-minutes of being deeply unimpressed, click here to see the trailer for Overnight, the documentary (and much better film) about the making of Boondock Saints, and the amazing flame out of it's director, Troy Duffy.
Are you a Boondock Saints fan? What would you do if I told you your pinko Commie mother sucked so much dick, her face looks like an egg on The Boards?!
A 12 Minute Walk on The Road
As a follow up to an earlier story, it appears as though the publicity machine is ramping up for John Hillcoat's adaptation of Cormac McCarthy's brutal and lovely novel, The Road. In addition to the earlier reported trailer, The Weinstein Company has screened the film at The Venice Film Festival and has released 5 clips that reveal 12 minutes of footage from the film. Check out the post-apocalyptic goodness via Collider right here.
I'm excited and curious about the film, as I loved the source material. Viggo Mortensen (or Son of Mars if you're into Danish philology) is a great choice for the father, as he usually brings a certain guarded nobility that would be perfect for the role. And while I'm pretty sure Charlize Theron will be wearing entirely too many clothes, her formidable acting talents should be more than enough to fill out a role that, frankly, was only one flashback in the book, but has clearly been expanded here.
Would life be worth living at all if you only lived in fear? Ponder then pontificate on The Boards.
Seinfeld: A XXX Parody
This is my first, and last, review of a porn flick that isn't Shortbus; a film I never reviewed because I couldn't come up with enough synonyms for annoying, overly introspective, mumblecore, narcissistic, arty, bisexual, douchebags.
There probably isn't much to deconstruct here, either. Layers of meta-textural nuance, allegory, and metaphorical symbolism, are probably not found with much abundance in Seinfeld: A XXX Parody. So I'm just gonna live-blog this thing for 2 and half hours, and get shitfaced. Agreed?
12:48 a.m. Starting the Seinfeld porn flick. I'll have an imaginary friend named Bosco with me for commentary. How are you doing today, Bosco?
Bosco: Great, Bungle! Looking forward to not being in the same room with you while we watch this!
Yeah, me to. As they say on MXC, "Let's get it on!"
12:49 a.m The porn begins and it starts out just like a Seinfeld episode. After a brief interlude with some standup comedy so bad I'm surprised it wasn't in Punchline, Jerry (James Deen) and Elaine (Kristina Rose), trade banter in a line at a porn shop owned by the Porn Nazi.
12:53 a.m. Holy shit! Jerrry's apartment looks like the real Jerry's apartment!
12:57 a.m. OK. The review get's easy form here. The first fuck scene. It's Jerry and Elaine. Elaine starts sucking Jerry's dick, then Jerry goes down on her. Let me back up a second and make clear the these people don't look like Jerry or Elaine. It's pretty much in the hairstyles, and clothes. Elaine is slightly thicker, though she still has, very nice, small boobs.
1:02 a.m. Jerry's fucking Elaine in his pretty faithfully recreated apartment. I'm not hearing cool turns of phrase, though. This is a Seinfeld porn that sounds like any porn movie. Even worse, Elaine talks way to much. She's like the narration in Blade Runner.
1:10 a.m. They're still fucking. She's still narrating. This is a weird sex scene because of Elaine; she literally sounds like she's performing an exorcism.
1:14 a.m. Jerry's still fucking Elaine. Then she starts going down on him again. Like most porn stars, they are in good shape.
1:20 a.m. Jerry starts fucking Elaine again. The average Seinfeld episode would have been over already. The only thing making it funny is Elaine. It's like she's regurgitating tribal chants she heard while fucking heroin addicts in Burma. That's Myanmar now.
1:22 a.m. Jerry comes on Elaine's mouth!
1:23 a.m. Kramer and George enter the apartment. The George guy looks like George. His delivery sucks, and there's no way he's fucking anyone in this movie. They should have hired Ron Jeremy. Kramer wants to give up his porn collection, in lieu of his own "make your own pizza" idea. Except it's porn, not pizza.
1:24 a.m. Horrible with the canned laugh track. Is it possible that the comedy scenes feel longer than the sex scenes?
1:30 a.m. Elaine gets rejected by the Porn Nazi for not ordering her porn correctly, but she meets a hot Asian Kimora-looking chick in the stock room that wants revenge against the Porn Nazi by having sex with her. I guess we all know someone like that.
1:35 a.m. Elaine and Kimora have been getting it on for five minutes now and the only thing that's changed is that someone else is talking to much. Granted, this Asian girl is hotter than Jerry. And they have broken out with instruments. Wow, wait. This is kinda informative. Over the hood? Nice.
1:40 a.m. Elaine is licking pussy while deeply penetrating Kimora with a cork-screw looking motorized device. In her ass. No, wait, that's Elaine's ass. They changed up while I wasn't looking.
1:45 a.m. They're still going at each other. Getting into the actual positions would take to long to type, though I hope everyone still reading this appreciates that I left the sound turned way up. Someone in my building thinks I'm jerking off right now.
1:48 a.m. This director isn't using the 1:85:1 palate very well.
1:50 a.m. I used to be bored by lesbian scenes. No longer.
1:55 a.m. HOLY SHIT! SASHA GREY! I must have zoned out for a bit because out of nowhere there's a porno dude filming another Scene of Lesbos. Kramer, for what ever reason, is witness. Sasha Grey. Getting eaten by a chick that looks a little like Debbie Mazar.
1:58 a.m. There was no real interlude between the earlier clam bake and what's happening now. But this is probably Sasha Grey's money turn, and she's always been more oriented to the fairer sex.
2:00 a.m. The director gets Kramer to whip out a cock. The girls seem uninterested. Debbie Mazar starts sucking it, while Sasha goes down on her. Now Sasha is sucking him off while Mazar sucks his balls. I think Kramer did say "Giddy Up!".
2:03 a.m. Strangely, Kramer can't get a hard on. He's like 80%. In that situation, someone could patent a new kind of Kevlar made from my dick.
2:06 a.m. Note to self: If you need a hot girl to massage your cock into another hot girl, you have defeated Life.
2:10 a.m. The band plays on: Sasha Grey still seems more interested in Debbie Mazar's pussy. They were cutting back and forth between the ability of Kramer's cock. Sasha, and the Mazar look-alike really make the scene. I should find a porn-spoof based on Bend It Like Beckham.
2:16 a.m. Finally! Kramer is about to jerk off his coked-up seed on Sasha Grey's amazing ass!
2:16:23 a.m. *screen goes black*
2:17 a.m. Bungle: Hey Bosco?! You still there?
2:17:20 a.m. Bosco: Yes, Bungle! I hear you! The film ended! WTF?!
2:17:22 a.m. I know. The first part ended. That shit was brutally long, and it comes on two discs. Each one lasts into over an hour.
2:17:28 a.m. What's your point?
2:17:30 a.m. Brutally long? Comes on two discs? Yes? The beauty of...I guess not. Well, normally, I would need to rub one out right now, but it's getting really late. I have some defrosted talapia I need to cook. That's what happens when you watch shitty actors fucking for over an hour, then decide you're hungry. That's film criticism.
2:18 a.m. I think I get it. But I don't exist. Part 2 has more fucking! Let's watch that! You own me that much. Come on! Eat your dinner....and then join me!
2:18:10 a.m. I'm pretty drunk.
2:18:11 a.m. Yeah, so?
2:18:13 a.m. Hurm...
2:40 a.m. Bosco: "Bungle just cooked up two talapia fillets, lemon-pepper style, with a fine pasta. And Hey! There's still some whiskey left for him!"
2:50 a.m. Begin Side Two
2::50:01 a.m. No! Kramer didn't come limp-dickedly on Sasha Grey's ass, at all. Apparently, that was a cliffhanger. Now he's fucking her while her Debbie Mazar-looking, tattooed friend, holds her down; and eggs them both on.
3:01 a.m. The end of Part One was foreshadowing. Kramer jerks on both of their asses. The director calls for a cut on this compelling film within a film.
3:02 a.m. Back to Jerry's apartment. Kramer is trying to convince Jerry to make a porn flick with George and George's hot ex-girlfriend, since Kramer just got done being in a porn flick, and obviously feels qualified to make one. If you think about it it's very true to the character, and the "make your own pizza pie" conceit. There's a zebra striped bed in Jerry's living room (apparently this happens while Jerry is between couches, thanks to Poppy), and a robed George comes out. Then the hot ex. Then another guy. George bolts on the wave of a canned laugh track, as opposed to getting cuckolded. Which leads to the...
3:09 a.m. ....next fuck scene. Utterly surreal, since they did a fairly good job of recreating Jerry's apartment. Leaving aside the zebra striped bed in the living room. Jerry never would have allowed this.
3: 12 a.m. George's ex is filming her fuck scene for Kramer with a semi-tattooed guy that looks a bit like a young Pat Boone. She's sucking him off, from a semi-sideways angle while he manually stimulates her flappy fjord. These people are EXTREMELY clean shaven.
3:20 a.m. OK, I'm not a prude, but dropping a saliva trail on sexual organs before you suck them is probably better on a not visual level.
3:29 a.m. More fucking! This girl is actually pretty cute, and adept. If they're all actors, some excel. I still can't get over the killer recreation of Jerry's apartment.
3:33 a.m. It's still not over. He's doing a Reclined Back Saddle on her, School of Side-Ways Dog-Style (look it up). Some of you have probably done it, but I'm horrible at narration.
3:34 a.m. I like this girl. She keeps the talk down to basics. Elaine sounded like a chainsaw on a Sunday morning compared to this.
3:40 a.m. These people look OK, until I think about them on Blu-Ray.
3:42 a.m. Now she's been filpped into a more proper Doggie-Style. Then he flips her over again for a One-Legged Under Quest.
3:50 a.m. Coming on awesome tits! Them. Not me.
3:50:07 a.m. Tit-cock slap; Kramer calls cut.
3:51 a.m. The next comedy bit has begun. Jerry is hanging out at his apartment (the film within a film x2 has wrapped) with a cool looking '90's bimbo. By that I mean large, natural boobs, with teased hair, and a tight mini-skirt. I think she's supposed to reference the Tawny Kitaen character in the episode where Jerry plays a chess game with his penis. Fake Jerry gives her the "It's not you, it's me!". He's doing George's material now. Apparently '90's bimbo has an issue with having orgasms in unwelcome social situations. And shitty acting. Of course, Jerry breaks up with her.
3:53 a.m. Newman!! I should note here that none of these people address themselves by there Seinfeld names. Jerry is Gary, George is Gorge, Kramer is Crammer. Newman is Noman. Dodging lawsuits, I suppose.
3:55 a.m. Fake Newman meets Orgasmo Girl in the hall after they both get kicked out of Fake Jerry's apartment.
3:58 a.m. For no reason at all Orgasmo Girl has visited the Porn Nazi looking for porn with Fake Newman. Like George, he's not fucking anyone in this movie. She's getting horny for the Porn Nazi. There is a laugh track, as Newman beats it out (not off) of there.
3:59 a.m. Cut to a back room of the video store, where Porn Nazi and Orgasmo Girl are now warming up her pussy. OHHHH!!! He licks his palm and says (in Porn Nazi voice): "Yeeeesss! Tastes good!" Holy shit, that was fucked up.
4:04 a.m. OK, this Porn Nazi dude is hilarious. If you ever wanted to see Omar Sharif fuck the shit out of LeeAnn Rhimes, this is your movie.
4:09 a.m. LeeAnne Rhimes is still sucking off Omar Sharif. She gives pretty good head. He's wearing an ascot. That's weird.
4:13 a.m. She sits on his cock in a Reverse Cowgirl. I have to say the 1:85:1 aspect ratio makes porn filmmakers lazy. What, you have no master shot? It's all just one nicely blocked angle after Omar throws boxes around to make room for Reverse LeeAnn? These guys need me for a DP. That's not a double penetration pun.
4:20 a.m. Shift to a Sideways Cowgirl! Just because your videographer has no choice. Nice. Though shooting tits from underneath is always good.
4:25 a.m. I've been watching people fuck for so long it's starting to look like a special effect.
4:28 a.m. Porn is fucking boring. No porn flick should last longer than The Fellowship of the Ring, and the sex scenes shouldn't last longer than 10 minutes a piece. Tops. Unless it's a group thing.
4:32 a.m. The Porn Nazi flipped LeeAnn Rimes over into a Y-axis Doggie-Style. Impressive, since they're fucking on a workbench and probably aren't considering the physics of it all. I have to say, "they're into it".
4:33 a.m. Hilarious. Porn Nazi barks, "I'll come in a tight American butt!"
4:33:20 a.m. He comes on her chin instead. LeAnn rubs Omar's cock around her face like a Swiffer Sweeper.
4:36 a.m. Gary, Cammer, Gorge, and Noman are in the porn shop, and Noman has LeeAnn Rimes on his arm. This scene is meant to close out the conflicts in this film; Gorge getting cuckolded being one. It kind of follows through, at least. Tying it all together like a real Seinfeld episode. While the hot Asian girl that lick-fested Elaine mans the register, the porn Crammer shot of Gorge's cuckolding ex-girlfriend plays on a TV.
4:38 a.m. But the tape is no more than a gift from Noman, who mis-delivered it intentionally. Remember, he's a mean-spirited postal worker. And now Gorge notices the video, while his friends joke about Noman's diabolical nature. Applause track ensues.
4:41 a.m. Another tie in. Elaine got kicked out of the Porn Nazi's earlier, and now she's reading the Porn Nazi a list of his Porn Titles, so that the Porn Nazi will be forced to...close? Yeah. Whatever. No Porn for You!
4:43 a.m. Thank Christ. Were back to Gary doing stand up. It must be over. They did a pretty good job on the set. Spotlight. Red curtains.
4:44 a.m. Shit. Jerry was doing boob jokes and now a chubby heckler is going to fuck him on stage.
4:47 a.m. I forgot chubby porn stars give the best head. They kinda have to.
4:51 a.m. She's sexy. Not fat in a waddling way. Just...overflowing. And she knows how to pull stuff away from a camera.
4:53 a.m. Her nipples are like strawberry pancakes with barbells punched through them. The polyester girdle helps, and she's all natural. I'm still glad I'm not seeing this on Blu-Ray.
4:55 a.m. OK, this girl has the sexiest fuck-me voice ever. Gary has been boning her from behind on his comedy stool. Now she's doing a Reverse Cowgirl on him. Her tits are probably integral to spaceflight.
5:00 a.m. I'm ready for this flick to be over, but this might be the best fuck scene. Tons of Fun is great.
5:03:05 a.m. Jeez, she has a big pussy.
5:05 a.m. Finally. Into a cornucopia of flesh and polyester, Gary shoots his Silly String on the heckler's overtly natural tits.
5:0:5:07 a.m. Credits roll.
5:09 a.m. Bungle: Bosco?
5:09:02 a.m. Bosco: *sleep snort* What?
5:09:05 a.m. Any thoughts?
5:09:10 a.m. You're fucked up.
5:09:12 a.m. About the movie.
5:09:17 a.m. It sucks.
5:09:18 a.m. Why?
5:09:20 a.m. Because you made me sit though all 2 hours and 23 boring-ass minutes of it. It just made me think there should be fuck scenes on Food Network.
5:09:21 a.m. You begged to see the last half!
5:09:22 a.m. Point taken. I guess my eyes were bigger than my capacity for shitty acting. Don't get me wrong. I'd have sex with women for money.
5:09:25 a.m. It was still better than a Wayans Brother's movie.
5:09:30 a.m. You're probably right.
2 of 10
EXCLUSIVE! NED FUCKING BEATTY!
Holy shit! I saw a real, live, Ned Beatty today! I can't tell you how happy that makes me. Of course the reason I got just a glimpse of one of America's finest and most enduring character actors is because he has a role in the new Micheal Winterbottom film, The Killer Inside Me, which is filming in Tulsa this week. They were setting up shots today, down town, so on my lunch break I ran home, grabbed my camera, and went to see if I could get some snaps.
They had Boston Ave. somewhat cordoned off to shoot around the Atlas building. I ingratiated myself with the KJRH news crew, and when it became apparent I wasn't with Channel 2, I told the production assistant I was with The TCC Connection. After a radio check from another PA, I was OK for being on the street for a bit. Unfortunately I only had 15 minutes before I had to go back to work. But I got a couple of cool shots, including a few of Casey Affleck and NED MOTHERFUCKING BEATTY sitting in the back of a period vehicle getting ready to shoot a take. I got a couple of other bits as well, and I plan on going back tomorrow to see who/what I can catch on my lunch hour.
Check the links for full sized images!
NED FUCKING BEATTY and Affleck Get Ready
Sweet Car with NED FUCKING BEATTY and Affleck
